Managing the Holidays
The Weight of Impending Doom
Do you ever experience a growing sense of unease as the holiday season approaches? I know I do. This sense of impending doom tends to intensify as fall transitions into the holiday season. For me, it's a feeling rooted in the constant reminders from holiday commercials that my family doesn't align with the societal expectations of holiday norms. Estrangement has created a divide that puts us outside the realm of the picture-perfect family gatherings.
The Power of Sharing
It might seem unusual for a therapist to open up about their own family dynamics, but I believe that sharing my experience can offer comfort to those who find themselves in a similar situation. Estrangement isn't a sudden event but a process that often begins in childhood. It's shaped by family norms and the way parents interact with each other and their children.
The Erosion of Relationships
Families that eventually face estrangement often share a common pattern of conflict resolution, characterized by what Dr. John Gottman refers to as the Four Horsemen Theory. These four communication styles—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—undermine healthy relationships. Criticism attacks someone's character, defensiveness shifts blame, contempt leads to feelings of rejection, and stonewalling results in shutting down communication.
The Eroding Impact
The problem with these communication styles is their capacity to evoke feelings of shame, making individuals feel inherently flawed. This erodes trust and connection because no one feels heard, seen, or valued. Unresolved conflicts continue to pile up, intensifying negative emotions and eventually leading to separation.
I can personally relate to this, as my parents engaged in these communication styles not only with each other but with my sister and me. Growing up in such an environment led me to unconsciously adopt these styles. I've spent years, both personally and in counseling, relearning more constructive ways to resolve conflicts.
Navigating the Grief
Estrangement triggers grief, especially during anniversaries, birthdays, or when reminders of the loss surface. If you find yourself grieving during the holiday season, it's essential to prioritize your well-being. You can choose to abstain from celebrations or create your own traditions. In my case, it means allowing myself to feel sadness while staying at home, donning Christmas pajamas, and watching "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas."
In conclusion, the holidays can be a complex time for those experiencing estrangement. By acknowledging our feelings and tending to our emotional needs, we can navigate this season with self-compassion and resilience.
For more information on Gottman and his theory please visit https://www.gottman.com/.
